I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.
When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.
- Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
- Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
- Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
- Do I really want to race?
- Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
- What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
- Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
- You are just going to gain it all back.
- You are a failure.
- You will never finish anything that you start.
- You can’t do it, you will fail.
- You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
- Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
- Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
- I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
- I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
- I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.
Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.
What am I scared of, right this minute in time?
I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself. I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.
I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.
How do you find balance? If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.
I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.