This is going to be very hard for me to write today, but I need to get it out there.
There are many different types of addictions out in this world. We all know someone who has been effected by addictions whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping and so many others. One that you don’t hear much about is someone’s addition to food.
I really never thought that I would be addicted to food until now. I am soon to be 3 years out from my weight loss surgery. Something that I have wanted done for over 10 years before I had it done. Way before I even thought about having Joshua.
I finally had it done on July 13, 2015.
I lost my weight, I was very focused and couldn’t wait to reach my goal weight. I hit that goal of 170 lbs at 9 months, but I wanted to lose more. By December I got down to 148 lbs. Everyone continued to tell me that I had lost too much weight. Even the ones that were the closest to me. At one point, something in my head flipped and I started eating what ever I wanted. I didn’t watch my food intake, started eating peanut M&M’s. This continued to be my go to food when I was stressed and on some days it was the only thing that I would eat all day.
Things got worse with going back to school. The stress of working full time from 0400 to 1230 each day, helping Joshua with his school work and then doing my own homework took it’s tole on me. Then add on training for my races. I was not cooking dinner for not only myself but for Joshua as well. I would fix Joshua something but then I would not eat it.
I had gotten into a very bad cycle of self hate and self destruction. I know that I need to do something in both my head and my heart, but the self destruction part continues to run to the M&Ms each and every time I start to feel any stress.
I know that I can overcome this as I have overcome so many other things in my life. I need a new goal in my life. I will be starting my Master’s Degree in August, but I also need a physical goal. Something that I can push myself in making better choices in how I deal with stress and help trigger better weight loss. I just don’t feel comfortable at my current weight.
All of my beautiful clothes that I have don’t fit the right way, my denim skirts are too tight.
I am the only one that can make this change. Getting over the mental issues is the biggest and first thing that needs to happen. I don’t usually ask for prayers for myself, please send a few up for not only myself but for Joshua. He needs his mommy to be so much better.