Discouragement & Depression

I have not had a very good last few weeks. I have not wanted to do any training or be careful of what I am eating. I am trying to keep my weight below 160 lbs and I need it to be around 150 to 155 to feel my best.  Just not happening here lately.

I get real discouraged when I read other friends reports of their training on Facebook and wonder why can’t I be like that. So dedicated to their goals and training and making things happen.  Yes, I want to do a full Ironman race but do I really have the time and energy to put in the work? Can I be as disciplined as my friends KGR, Leslie, Kimmee or Rachel? Three belong to Team USA.

Am I putting so much pressure on myself that I am setting myself up for failure? All of these questions run through my head and send me into a deeper depression. I know that I feel so much better when I do train, but there are days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings to start my work for the day.

I have yet been able to master the gift of time and money management which then sets me further down the dark whole.

This sport has blessed me with so much and I just can’t throw it all away.

I need a training partner. Someone that will get  me out and help me become a better rider, runner and swimmer. Someone that will challenge me to swim faster, to run harder and to bike longer.

I have had several that say to come riding with them, but they are usually riding when I am at work or I have something to do with Joshua.

I need a goal race for next year and a big goal race.  I have several small races that I have picked out, just have to wait for the money to sign up.

April  Try Tri Illinois  sprint

May St. Louis Tri  sprint or oly (I am wanting to move up in distance)

August Wood River  sprint   (maybe if nothing else comes along)

I have a lot to do between now and then. I have to get comfortable in aero on “Blessing”

Which Half Ironman is your favorite?

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Not liking myself here lately

This has been an ongoing issue with me and had really come to a head in the past month. I have to get a handle on it sooner than later. Everything has been suffering because of it.

I CAN’T STOP EATING!!!!

I have been eating everything and anything that comes in my way. My weight is slowly going up and my exercise is slowly going down. I just don’t have the energy to get out, but once I make my self get out there and move, I do feel so much better.

I have fallen back into old habits of eating to calm my nerves, to deal with the stress that I have put myself under. I know that I am doing this and I just can’t make myself stop.

There are times when I wish I would have had the gastric bypass instead of the sleeve. Then if I over ate or had something that I should not have (candy) I would have a dump issue or get sick. Right now I can eat anything with the sleeve and not get sick.  I know that this sounds bad, but I really need that safe guard to make sure that I don’t do something stupid. Like I have been doing the past few months.

I am up to my no go zone in weight and because of that stress, I continue to eat and gain more weight.

School has been stressful and working with my son has too. He just turn 12 and his hormones are all over the place on top of his Autism. It has not been much fun at our house.

I need a week off from everything and everyone, except for one special person. I want to go away and detox from the candy and sweets. Be somewhere where I can’t run to the store to get a bag of peanut M&Ms when I am stressed. (Which I did this afternoon).

I should not be allowed to go shopping unsupervised.

If I don’t get it nipped in the butt, I will regain and lose all of the hard work that I have done in the past 2.5 years.

I am an ATHLETE!

It is official!! I am now an ATHLETE! I lost my first toe nail Monday night. My son has swimming lessons on Thursday nights and Master swim is at the same time. So, Mom goes and swims and J is at his lessons. It is a win win situation!  I didn’t really pay much attention to my toe but knew it would be coming off at some point.  He was out of school on Monday, so after my chiropractors appointment we went swimming. I am working on a virtual Ironman challenge with a group on Facebook that I belong to and needed to get some swim time in to meet my 2.4 miles for the month. J did some practicing and he is getting more comfortable in the water. Now to just get him to keep his face in the water. But I am not complaining as of last year he wouldn’t even attempt to put his face in the water. I was able to get in 1600 yards. I should be at my goal on Thursday after Masters swim.

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Now the bike is a different story, I haven’t even started on the 112 miles that I need for the month and it is now the 11th. Going to need to set up the trainer and get started.

I just about have the running completed. I checked this afternoon and only needed 12 more miles. I knew that I couldn’t do that many miles today but I was able to get in a 10K before J got home from school.

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This was my view on my run today. This was a new route for me and I really liked it. It had several rolling hills that really made you work for it. If I would have followed this trail and made the loop it would have come out to be about 10 miles. So that is my next goal is to do the 10 mile loop when I have more time.

Since it is getting a little cooler and soon to be colder, I need to start looking for winter tights to wear when I run. Just looking for one pair as of right now and really don’t want to spend too much money on them.

I am also looking at what races I want to do next year and getting a wetsuit.

 

I have not forgotten about you!

Oh my goodness! It has been over a year since I last wrote on this blog site. Time has gotten away from me and so much has happened in the past year.

I am now 2 years since my weight loss surgery and I have kept the weigh off. I am now between 155 to 160. I try to keep my weight around 155 or less. I have my good days and bad days on my eating.

My goal is to start writing again and this time really talk about my next goal in training and in life. I have gone back to school to finish up my RN to BSN program, with my goal in getting my MSN in Nursing Education. My goal for triathlon is to up my distance to the Olympic and then the half. With then end goal being a full iron distance by my 50th birthday.

I just got a new to me Tri bike that I am getting used to riding. It has been a challenge, but I have only been on it twice since I got it. I have ran my first half marathon in 3 hours and 9 minutes. Not be when my first 5K was over an hour to walk.  I will get there and will not quit until I do.

3 months since surgery

I am down 76.4 lbs. since surgery.  I am having a very hard time seeing my weight loss at times. I see it in my clothes and under my chin, but in other places I really can’t see it.

I need to do so many things, that maybe I will see it.  My hair is falling out, mostly in the shower. I am used to it with it being long, but it comes at times when I really hate having to wash it due to how much I will find in the shower or in my hands.

I have been having issues getting in all of my water and protein in each day. And any type of exercise has been put to the side. I have been so busy with Cub Scouts and trying to find time for myself.  Thank goodness that this is my last year with Scouts.

It is getting cold here in Southern Illinois and it is making me even colder. Getting used to this new body is not easy. I am tired all of the time and I just want to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back on any anti depressants.

I feel like I am disappointing my supporters. I am not training for my next race or doing any training at all.

My house is a mess and I feel like the walls are closing in on me at times. I want to tear down those walls, but I don’t have the money to repair what I am more than willing to tear down.

“All good things for those that wait.”    I am really starting to hate that saying.

Not giving up but putting on the back burner for now

I am trying to get used to my new body and the things that I can and can’t eat.

Right now I am not doing very well on the eating part.

I am down 65 lbs at this time. I still have a way to go. I have no energy to do anything. I am getting out once a week and cutting the grass. Work is about to do me in at times. All of the energy it takes to get through my 8 hours leaves nothing left to exercise or to even cook something to eat.

Cub Scouts started last week and thank goodness, I have help this year. We had a wonderful recruitment with a total of 25 boys and more are coming.

Had to take Joshua to get his eyes checked today. He needs new glasses and even with my insurance it will cost me over $250.00.  He also needs new shoes and with the size of his foot I have to get New Balance. So this weekend it is off to get new shoes and glasses.  Looks like I need to start working some overtime.

Being a BAD mommy and TriEqual News

I must be a bad mom.

I made a comment on Facebook asking about all of the eating the J has been doing these past few weeks. He is always hungry. I know that he is going through another growth spurt. but it feels like every hour to 2 hours after coming home from school he wants something to eat. Well, it started… get him active in sport. he is bored, he needs a hobby.

Do you think I haven’t tried? I refuse to push my son into anything for the sake of him doing a sport. Yes, I dreamed of him playing sports when he was little. I wanted a left handed relief pitcher to play for the Cardinals. But as time when on the Asperger’s took over. I am not completely blaming the Asperger’s, as I am the most at blame. I didn’t take him out to the park that much or get him into swimming lessons when he was little or to the pool. Was I lazy for not doing those things with him? In a way I was and I shed tears about it all the time. I have made some really bad choices in the past 10 years concerning how my son grew up. If I make any changes now it will destroy the sweet boy that I have now, my pirate at heart.

My son is not active in any sports. He plays video games when ever he can or watches You Tube videos about Minecraft and other games.My son also has Asperger’s. The video games keep him active, he is highly intelligent and loves history, social studies and culture. I have a scholar on my hands.

I get tired to others telling me I should do this or that, get him into sports or hobby. I am about to lose it. He is me all over again. I am such an introvert and I want to make everyone happy when I am miserable on the inside.

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Now on to other news………  TriEqual has launched the Inspiring Program that will match inspiring women triathletes with coaches that will follow and coach them for a total of three months free. The hope is to increase women into the sport of triathlons.  I have already sent in my application. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I truly believe that if I don’t find a coach soon, I will end up giving up on the sport and myself. That I one thing that I CANNOT do. I have to show my son that it is alright to be as active as you can be at any size.

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http://triequal.org/index.php/2015/09/08/triequal-launches-equally-inspiring-program-to-increase-womens-participation-in-triathlon/