This is going to be very hard for me to write today, but I need to get it out there.
There are many different types of addictions out in this world. We all know someone who has been effected by addictions whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping and so many others. One that you don’t hear much about is someone’s addition to food.
I really never thought that I would be addicted to food until now. I am soon to be 3 years out from my weight loss surgery. Something that I have wanted done for over 10 years before I had it done. Way before I even thought about having Joshua.
I finally had it done on July 13, 2015.
I lost my weight, I was very focused and couldn’t wait to reach my goal weight. I hit that goal of 170 lbs at 9 months, but I wanted to lose more. By December I got down to 148 lbs. Everyone continued to tell me that I had lost too much weight. Even the ones that were the closest to me. At one point, something in my head flipped and I started eating what ever I wanted. I didn’t watch my food intake, started eating peanut M&M’s. This continued to be my go to food when I was stressed and on some days it was the only thing that I would eat all day.
Things got worse with going back to school. The stress of working full time from 0400 to 1230 each day, helping Joshua with his school work and then doing my own homework took it’s tole on me. Then add on training for my races. I was not cooking dinner for not only myself but for Joshua as well. I would fix Joshua something but then I would not eat it.
I had gotten into a very bad cycle of self hate and self destruction. I know that I need to do something in both my head and my heart, but the self destruction part continues to run to the M&Ms each and every time I start to feel any stress.
I know that I can overcome this as I have overcome so many other things in my life. I need a new goal in my life. I will be starting my Master’s Degree in August, but I also need a physical goal. Something that I can push myself in making better choices in how I deal with stress and help trigger better weight loss. I just don’t feel comfortable at my current weight.
All of my beautiful clothes that I have don’t fit the right way, my denim skirts are too tight.
I am the only one that can make this change. Getting over the mental issues is the biggest and first thing that needs to happen. I don’t usually ask for prayers for myself, please send a few up for not only myself but for Joshua. He needs his mommy to be so much better.
I have had a big awaking during the past few weeks. I allowed my weight to creep up to 170 lbs. This was my original goal weight when I set out on my weight loss journey. I had gotten all the way down to 143-148. Then something switched in my head after hearing concerns from trusted friends that I needed to gain some weight. That little talk flipped the switch in my head saying that I don’t need to watch what I eat because I need to gain some weight.
I fell back into old habits and started eating peanut M&Ms like they were going out of style. I was stress eating due to work, family and school. My training has suffered because of it. I have not wanted to do any training for the last few weeks.
I know that has to stop and will stop come March 1, 2018 when I start training with my #equallyinspiring Coach Lesley.
I help with the weight loss, I started the 5 Day Pouch Test.
I have done an OK job so far, but need to really step up the game. I need to do this for me. I am also going to be seeing a therapist to help with the switch or as I call it the hamster on the wheel that is running in my head.
I am not close enough to go to support group meetings in Nashville, TN where I had surgery. The closest support groups in the St. Louis area are all over an hour away and meet either right at rush hour or too late at night.
I know that I can do this and I will get it done. I have to!
I have been non-stop since my last post. It feels like it has been over a month since I wrote, but in truth it has only been a few weeks.
I celebrated my 48th birthday on the 3rd, then had to write my final paper for my Nursing Research class that was due on the 13th (got it done before then and turned in), now trying to get things ready for Christmas.
Joshua and I are heading down to Florida to spend Christmas with my Dad and brother. This will be the first time back to Florida since we moved to Illinois in 2014. I have worked by butt off getting my PTO time saved up to be able to take 6 days off.
Now on to training and eating. I HAVE BEEN BAD!!!!!!
My training has taken a huge back seat to life and so has my eating. My weight had gotten back up to 165 and I just felt like crap. First of all, I have been so upset with myself that I allow myself to slip back into old unhealthy eating habits when I get stressed. Will have to work on finding better ways when school starts back up in January.
I have gone back to just drinking my protein drinks and water. I have slipped up twice and had my mortal enemy of peanut M&Ms. I just have to refocus and remember why I did this in the first place.
I have been trying to find a support group that isn’t over an hour away. I will keep looking.
Back to the training…. Joshua has swimming lessons every Thursday night and there just happens to be a Masters Swim Class at the same time. So, we both get to swim on Thursday nights. Plus he does so much better when I am not watching. I am so proud of him and how far he has come in his swimming.
Now on to bigger news…….
They have opened up applications for their “Equally Inspiring Athlete” for women to be coached for three months for free. They continue to want to increase the number of women in the sport. I was very lucky in 2015 that I applied and was accepted. Sadly it didn’t last long as I got injured and couldn’t continue. This was right before my weight loss surgery. So, I was encouraged to apply again and I did.
This has been an ongoing issue with me and had really come to a head in the past month. I have to get a handle on it sooner than later. Everything has been suffering because of it.
I CAN’T STOP EATING!!!!
I have been eating everything and anything that comes in my way. My weight is slowly going up and my exercise is slowly going down. I just don’t have the energy to get out, but once I make my self get out there and move, I do feel so much better.
I have fallen back into old habits of eating to calm my nerves, to deal with the stress that I have put myself under. I know that I am doing this and I just can’t make myself stop.
There are times when I wish I would have had the gastric bypass instead of the sleeve. Then if I over ate or had something that I should not have (candy) I would have a dump issue or get sick. Right now I can eat anything with the sleeve and not get sick. I know that this sounds bad, but I really need that safe guard to make sure that I don’t do something stupid. Like I have been doing the past few months.
I am up to my no go zone in weight and because of that stress, I continue to eat and gain more weight.
School has been stressful and working with my son has too. He just turn 12 and his hormones are all over the place on top of his Autism. It has not been much fun at our house.
I need a week off from everything and everyone, except for one special person. I want to go away and detox from the candy and sweets. Be somewhere where I can’t run to the store to get a bag of peanut M&Ms when I am stressed. (Which I did this afternoon).
I should not be allowed to go shopping unsupervised.
If I don’t get it nipped in the butt, I will regain and lose all of the hard work that I have done in the past 2.5 years.