It has been about 6 months since I last wrote on my blog. I just put it out of my mind and kept moving on to other things.
I have gained too much weight, between 30 to 40 lbs that needs to come off. I started a new job back in October and after a rocky 1.5 months I am finally settling in and finding my own groove. I am now the Bariatric Nurse for St. Alexius New Start.
I am now able to help others on their own surgical weight loss journey. When the patient’s find out that I also have had weight loss surgery, they become excited and more relaxed.
I was to start on my Master’s Degree, but that has been placed on hold and I may not obtain the degree. My new job does not require it and in truth, I just don’t have the time.
The biggest news is that I have signed up for my first 70.3 with Metro Tri Club.
I have hired a coach, Chris Rankin with Vitality Mulitsport. I can’t wait to get started. I have so much to do before then. I still need to rejoin the YMCA, will get a discount after the first of the year through work and looking at a power meter. I would love to get the Garmin Vector 3 . (Not sponsored by Garmin). Just don’t have the money to get them.
Hoping not to neglect writing about my new journey. 2019 is looking like it is going to be epic. Many firsts for me and for Joshua. My first 70.3, I turn 50 in December and age up.
This is going to be very hard for me to write today, but I need to get it out there.
There are many different types of addictions out in this world. We all know someone who has been effected by addictions whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping and so many others. One that you don’t hear much about is someone’s addition to food.
I really never thought that I would be addicted to food until now. I am soon to be 3 years out from my weight loss surgery. Something that I have wanted done for over 10 years before I had it done. Way before I even thought about having Joshua.
I finally had it done on July 13, 2015.
I lost my weight, I was very focused and couldn’t wait to reach my goal weight. I hit that goal of 170 lbs at 9 months, but I wanted to lose more. By December I got down to 148 lbs. Everyone continued to tell me that I had lost too much weight. Even the ones that were the closest to me. At one point, something in my head flipped and I started eating what ever I wanted. I didn’t watch my food intake, started eating peanut M&M’s. This continued to be my go to food when I was stressed and on some days it was the only thing that I would eat all day.
Things got worse with going back to school. The stress of working full time from 0400 to 1230 each day, helping Joshua with his school work and then doing my own homework took it’s tole on me. Then add on training for my races. I was not cooking dinner for not only myself but for Joshua as well. I would fix Joshua something but then I would not eat it.
I had gotten into a very bad cycle of self hate and self destruction. I know that I need to do something in both my head and my heart, but the self destruction part continues to run to the M&Ms each and every time I start to feel any stress.
I know that I can overcome this as I have overcome so many other things in my life. I need a new goal in my life. I will be starting my Master’s Degree in August, but I also need a physical goal. Something that I can push myself in making better choices in how I deal with stress and help trigger better weight loss. I just don’t feel comfortable at my current weight.
All of my beautiful clothes that I have don’t fit the right way, my denim skirts are too tight.
I am the only one that can make this change. Getting over the mental issues is the biggest and first thing that needs to happen. I don’t usually ask for prayers for myself, please send a few up for not only myself but for Joshua. He needs his mommy to be so much better.
I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.
When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.
- Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
- Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
- Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
- Do I really want to race?
- Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
- What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
- Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
- You are just going to gain it all back.
- You are a failure.
- You will never finish anything that you start.
- You can’t do it, you will fail.
- You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
- Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
- Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
- I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
- I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
- I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.
Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.
What am I scared of, right this minute in time?
I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself. I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.
I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.
How do you find balance? If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.
I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.
I have had a big awaking during the past few weeks. I allowed my weight to creep up to 170 lbs. This was my original goal weight when I set out on my weight loss journey. I had gotten all the way down to 143-148. Then something switched in my head after hearing concerns from trusted friends that I needed to gain some weight. That little talk flipped the switch in my head saying that I don’t need to watch what I eat because I need to gain some weight.
I fell back into old habits and started eating peanut M&Ms like they were going out of style. I was stress eating due to work, family and school. My training has suffered because of it. I have not wanted to do any training for the last few weeks.
I know that has to stop and will stop come March 1, 2018 when I start training with my #equallyinspiring Coach Lesley.
I help with the weight loss, I started the 5 Day Pouch Test.
I have done an OK job so far, but need to really step up the game. I need to do this for me. I am also going to be seeing a therapist to help with the switch or as I call it the hamster on the wheel that is running in my head.
I am not close enough to go to support group meetings in Nashville, TN where I had surgery. The closest support groups in the St. Louis area are all over an hour away and meet either right at rush hour or too late at night.
I know that I can do this and I will get it done. I have to!
This past week has been a very busy one. Trying to get my school work done, from trying to figure out a Fishbone diagram and a PICK chart for my nursing class to having a DXA scan, RMR and VO2 test at school.
The testing at school was a new experience to me and I am still trying to figure out the numbers and what they really mean to my athletic status and what I need to do to improve.
My VO2 was 28.5 and for my age of 48 was right in between fair and good. Will need to work on it, also if we had done the other slower test we may have gotten different results. That is partly my fault that I didn’t tell them that my average mile run is between 12 and 14 minutes.
It was a fun 2 hours and learning about what I can do. The VO2 test didn’t last very long as the speed went up fast and I couldn’t handle it at 6mph on the treadmill.
Should have done the other slower build test. Will do that the next time. This was the first time ever doing this type of testing. I was very lucky that I am a student and was able to get the test package at half price.
On January 27, 2018 I heard the news that I had been waiting for…..
I am so excited to be working with Coach Lesley Kruzel and I can’t wait to get started.
I have been having issues in this area. It will always be an issue for me no matter what size I am. I have to get it under control.
Trying to find a weight loss support group in my area is very hard. The closest ones are in St. Louis and over an hour away. I will get through this and be better for it.
I will be writing more about my training and life in general. Going to make it a weekly project and put it on my calendar to remind myself to do it. I am finishing up my BSN and will be graduating on May 4, 2018. Hoping to hear if I have gotten into the MSN program the first week on March for the fall. Then I will have the whole summer off for training, local races and spending time with my son and friends.
I had the wonderful opportunity in 2015 to be apart of the first group of women athletes to be selected. I got hurt and had to back away from the training and the coaching that I was getting from Krista LaPan. I then had my weight loss surgery in July 2015. I have been slowly working my way back in to training and did really well in 2016.
Fast forward to December 2017 and my wonderful friend Jordan Blanco posted about the opening for applications for the new season with Tri Equal. With Jordan’s encouragement, I put in my application once again. Not really thinking that I would be picked. But guess what…… I GOT PICKED!!!!
I continue my support each day that I wear my @RoadID with my tag #5Q.
This is 2018 and we as women still don’t have equality in so many things. This has to change and I hope that it does in my life time.
As we get ready to ring in a New Year, there are many things that I have to thankful for in the past year.
- My wonderful family both blood and chosen. They have been my rock in so many ways.
- My wonderful friends that I have met and reconnected with over the past year.
- Taking a trip of a lifetime in April to the Grand Canyon and Whitewater Rafting down the Colorado River and then hiking out the Bright Angel Trail.
- Maintaining my weight loss for the past year, give and take 10 lbs.
- Seeing my son adjust to his mother’s crazy ideals and moving away from what he knew and his friends to a bigger school.
- Doing my one and only Tri in August and then doing my first ever half marathon in a little over 3 hours.
- Working towards my degree in Nursing and hoping to move towards my Masters degree.
- So many more things.
Goals for 2018
- To maintain my weight better and to find my groove in cooking healthy meals for both of us to eat.
- Focus on my last 2 classes for my BSN.
- Start back training in a fun and healthy manner.
- Have fun this summer with races and spending time with my son and friends.
- Going to focus on swimming and riding this winter.
- Learn to be in aero on the bike and once weather is better getting out and riding in aero.
- More open water swims
These are just a few short goals that I want to work towards for 2018.
I am off to a good start.. slow but made my goal of 30 minutes. Need to work on speed and endurance.
Have a wonderful and safe New Year!