The hard truth

This is going to be very hard for me to write today, but I need to get it out there.

There are many different types of addictions out in this world. We all know someone who has been effected by addictions whether it be from alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling, shopping and so many others. One that you don’t hear much about is someone’s addition to food.

I really never thought that I would be addicted to food until now. I am soon to be 3 years out from my weight loss surgery. Something that I have wanted done for over 10 years before I had it done. Way before I even thought about having Joshua.
I finally had it done on July 13, 2015.

I lost my weight, I was very focused and couldn’t wait to reach my goal weight. I hit that goal of 170 lbs at 9 months, but I wanted to lose more. By December I got down to 148 lbs. Everyone continued to tell me that I had lost too much weight. Even the ones that were the closest to me. At one point, something in my head flipped and I started eating what ever I wanted. I didn’t watch my food intake, started eating peanut M&M’s. This continued to be my go to food when I was stressed and on some days it was the only thing that I would eat all day.

Things got worse with going back to school. The stress of working full time from 0400 to 1230 each day, helping Joshua with his school work and then doing my own homework took it’s tole on me. Then add on training for my races. I was not cooking dinner for not only myself but for Joshua as well. I would fix Joshua something but then I would not eat it.

I had gotten into a very bad cycle of self hate and self destruction. I know that I need to do something in both my head and my heart, but the self destruction part continues to run to the M&Ms each and every time I start to feel any stress.

I know that I can overcome this as I have overcome so many other things in my life. I need a new goal in my life. I will be starting my Master’s Degree in August, but I also need a physical goal. Something that I can push myself in making better choices in how I deal with stress and help trigger better weight loss. I just don’t feel comfortable at my current weight.
All of my beautiful clothes that I have don’t fit the right way, my denim skirts are too tight.

I am the only one that can make this change. Getting over the mental issues is the biggest and first thing that needs to happen. I don’t usually ask for prayers for myself, please send a few up for not only myself but for Joshua. He needs his mommy to be so much better.

Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

First week heading into the second

I was able to complete all of my training in the GREEN. If you are on Training Peaks, you will understand.

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Really proud of myself for my first week of training. Now the 2nd week is a little different already and it is only Tuesday. I was to do an hour of yoga last night, well life got into the way. I had my chiropractor’s appointment with Integrity Spine and Joint Center for my ongoing headaches that have kept us both baffled in how to get rid of them. Then had to run to Wal-Mart to pick up some protein to eat and snack on.  Back home to pick up Joshua at the bus stop to head to our eye doctor’s appointments.

Back home after 6 PM and $1000.00 less in my flexible spending account, two new sets of glasses and trail of new contacts for mom. Home work with tears and shut down on Joshua. I was off to my Tri Club meeting with Metro Tri Club. Need to get all of the extra club points that I can get.

By the time I got home it was time to get ready for bed and get Joshua ready for bed. I was tired and needed my sleep. Will move the yoga to Friday as that is an off day that Coach Lesley had scheduled. trainingpeaks2

I am so excited about seeing all of this training, but I am trying to to feel overwhelmed at the same time. I am on Spring Break from school this week, so it is a good time to focus on just me and my training.

Thank you, Coach Lesley Endurance Fusion Coaching for being a part of Tri Equal and the #equallyinspiring team.

Soon to be time to head out to The Cyclery to get an adjustment on my cleats and aero bars.

If you want to follow some great TRI related blogs head on over to my wonderful friends.

Some Radom Thursday  by Kelly Burns Gallagher and Ryan Heisler

Rachel Brenke for all types of legal services for small businesses in and out of the athletic arena. And she is heading to Worlds!!

 

 

This has been a busy and exciting week

This past week has been a very busy one. Trying to get my school work done, from trying to figure out a Fishbone diagram and a PICK chart for my nursing class to having a DXA scan, RMR and VO2 test at school.

The testing at school was a new experience to me and I am still trying to figure out the numbers and what they really mean to my athletic status and what I need to do to improve.

 

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My VO2 was 28.5 and for my age of 48 was right in between fair and good. Will need to work on it, also if we had done the other slower test we may have gotten different results. That is partly my fault that I didn’t tell them that my average mile run is between 12 and 14 minutes.

It was a fun 2 hours and learning about what I can do. The VO2 test didn’t last very long as the speed went up fast and I couldn’t handle it at 6mph on the treadmill.

Should have done the other slower build test. Will do that the next time. This was the first time ever doing this type of testing. I was very lucky that I am a student and was able to get the test package at half price.

On January 27, 2018 I heard the news that I had been waiting for…..

 

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I am so excited to be working with Coach Lesley Kruzel and I can’t wait to get started.

EATING

I have been having issues in this area. It will always be an issue for me no matter what size I am. I have to get it under control.

Trying to find a weight loss support group in my area is very hard. The closest ones are in St. Louis and over an hour away.  I will get through this and be better for it.

I will be writing more about my training and life in general. Going to make it a weekly project and put it on my calendar to remind myself to do it. I am finishing up my BSN and will be graduating on May 4, 2018. Hoping to hear if I have gotten into the MSN program the first week on March for the fall. Then I will have the whole summer off for training, local races and spending time with my son and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you have seen my motivation please return it!

 

I have somehow lost my motivation to get moving. I ran a 5K on Thanksgiving morning with no training and did not do too bad if I may say so myself. I finished the race in 37:15 for an average of a 12:01 minute mile. I was 22 out of 44 females in my age group of 45-49. My Friend Erica won the age group at 23:51 an average of a 7:42 minute mile.  Erica is so fast and I will never be that fast and I am ok with it. She has been running much longer than I have.

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It’s a great tech long sleeve shirt. I will have to keep this race on the books for next year.

Need to start planning for next year and what races that I want to do and what my goals are. I have some wonderful friends that are going to help me out in this area. But first I have to finish school. I have one last paper to write before school is done for the year and then I only have 2 more classes and I will have my BSN!! It has been a struggle and many of tears have been flowing due to all of this, I just have to keep the end goal in sight. The same goes with my training and my dream of an Ironman finish.

Sunday, I turn 48 year old. So by USA Triathlon rules my age group has been 45-49 all season. But next year 2018 I have a racing age of 49 since my birthday is in December. I want to complete and do my first Ironman for my 50th birthday, which will be in 2019. May even make it a destination race, but will look at something more local and where I have friends that I can stay with or camp out with.

I am getting a coach and going to try to be more active with my local Tri group that I belong to.  I love the group, but they are very intimidating to newcomers like myself but that is something that I need to overcome as they have been so supportive of me and my goals.

Blessing is going to get an upgrade in January to make things a little bit easier on me and hope that it will help to get me more comfortable in the saddle. But mostly getting into the aero position.

Until next time!!

 

Discouragement & Depression

I have not had a very good last few weeks. I have not wanted to do any training or be careful of what I am eating. I am trying to keep my weight below 160 lbs and I need it to be around 150 to 155 to feel my best.  Just not happening here lately.

I get real discouraged when I read other friends reports of their training on Facebook and wonder why can’t I be like that. So dedicated to their goals and training and making things happen.  Yes, I want to do a full Ironman race but do I really have the time and energy to put in the work? Can I be as disciplined as my friends KGR, Leslie, Kimmee or Rachel? Three belong to Team USA.

Am I putting so much pressure on myself that I am setting myself up for failure? All of these questions run through my head and send me into a deeper depression. I know that I feel so much better when I do train, but there are days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings to start my work for the day.

I have yet been able to master the gift of time and money management which then sets me further down the dark whole.

This sport has blessed me with so much and I just can’t throw it all away.

I need a training partner. Someone that will get  me out and help me become a better rider, runner and swimmer. Someone that will challenge me to swim faster, to run harder and to bike longer.

I have had several that say to come riding with them, but they are usually riding when I am at work or I have something to do with Joshua.

I need a goal race for next year and a big goal race.  I have several small races that I have picked out, just have to wait for the money to sign up.

April  Try Tri Illinois  sprint

May St. Louis Tri  sprint or oly (I am wanting to move up in distance)

August Wood River  sprint   (maybe if nothing else comes along)

I have a lot to do between now and then. I have to get comfortable in aero on “Blessing”

Which Half Ironman is your favorite?

Not liking myself here lately

This has been an ongoing issue with me and had really come to a head in the past month. I have to get a handle on it sooner than later. Everything has been suffering because of it.

I CAN’T STOP EATING!!!!

I have been eating everything and anything that comes in my way. My weight is slowly going up and my exercise is slowly going down. I just don’t have the energy to get out, but once I make my self get out there and move, I do feel so much better.

I have fallen back into old habits of eating to calm my nerves, to deal with the stress that I have put myself under. I know that I am doing this and I just can’t make myself stop.

There are times when I wish I would have had the gastric bypass instead of the sleeve. Then if I over ate or had something that I should not have (candy) I would have a dump issue or get sick. Right now I can eat anything with the sleeve and not get sick.  I know that this sounds bad, but I really need that safe guard to make sure that I don’t do something stupid. Like I have been doing the past few months.

I am up to my no go zone in weight and because of that stress, I continue to eat and gain more weight.

School has been stressful and working with my son has too. He just turn 12 and his hormones are all over the place on top of his Autism. It has not been much fun at our house.

I need a week off from everything and everyone, except for one special person. I want to go away and detox from the candy and sweets. Be somewhere where I can’t run to the store to get a bag of peanut M&Ms when I am stressed. (Which I did this afternoon).

I should not be allowed to go shopping unsupervised.

If I don’t get it nipped in the butt, I will regain and lose all of the hard work that I have done in the past 2.5 years.