Finding my “WHY”

I have not written on here since the end of 2018, for that I am sorry. I have had so much go on and still going on that I have not made the time to write about my training and life in general.  Well to sum it all up it has Sucked.  2019 has not gone as I have planned it would in my mind.

I was working with a wonderful coach until I lost my job at the end of February. It was a mutual agreement that I was not the right fit in their office as a bariatric nurse. I loved working with the patient’s but the other things was not right.

Then I was training for Steelhead and on Easter Sunday, I went out for a training ride. I ended up falling twice and the second fall resulted in a fractured left radial head. That ended my goal of Steelhead. Ever since that fall, I have not wanted to train or do any exercise. It has caused me to gain weight, much more than I have ever wanted to gain. I have lost my desire to do any activity but eat Peanut M&Ms. They are my comfort food. One that I have not been able to kick.

I have so many friends in my corner that I feel that I am letting them down with each pound that I gain. I am trying to work with a Registered Dietitian. I understand what she wants me to do and I am so sorry Kim, Fuel Factor, I am failing in getting it done.   Jenny, Jen Harrison Coaching, I am failing you also.

I have never felt so defeated before in my life. It has taken me until August to find a job. I am in school getting my Master’s degree in Health Law and working at a local law firm as a nurse paralegal. I am really enjoying the job so far. Getting ready to start my 2nd week.

When school starts back, I will be getting money from my student loans that will pay for my new bike that I have in lay-way. I am hoping that getting the new bike and trainer will help me find my WHY.

WHY am I doing this? WHY am I so hard on myself? WHY can’t I get it right? WHY do I feel like a failure in everything that I do? WHY do I let what others think bother me so much?

So many WHY’s and no real answers at this time. I need to learn how to find my joy again in taking care of myself. I need to learn the self love that everyone talks about.