Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

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I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!!

This is a rant not about my weight, but my body in general. This may be a long story, so grab a snack or something to drink and happy reading.

Back in 2005 I had my son, everything went great. I was loving life, not that isn’t true. I had a bad case of Baby Blues on top of already having depression. Not a very good combination.  Now move forward 2 years, my Mom was told that she had lung cancer and was getting ready to start treatment and one morning I woke up and couldn’t move very well.  I went to the chiropractor and it didn’t help, but made it worse.  After having a MRI, found out that I had herniation at L5 – S1 that was the size of my thumb. The Pain management doctor said we could try injections, but he was certain that I would need surgery.

I ended up having surgery in October  2007 right after my son’s 2nd birthday. Things got better, I went back to work after being off for 6 weeks. Then I lost my mom on March 5, 2008. To me my world came to an end, but  life had to move on and I tried really hard. Had issues at work and at home, ate everything in site. Then in 2009 I started having issues once again. This time it was much different.  My right leg would go completely numb and tingle.  Went back to the pain doctor and had another MRI. Then I got the phone call. There was nothing that they could offer me and suggested surgery.

So, I head into my 2nd back surgery, scared, with a 4 year old and my mom not being here. I have a very supportive family and they helped me so much.  I am now fused from L4 to S1. Wearing a Turtle shell brace and walking with a walker.  I moved and started a new job and things were going well. I was into my 2nd year at the new job and the pain started back again. I didn’t think much about it as I was working in Nursing Education. Then I lost my job. It was both a curse and blessing.

After about a month of looking for a job, I finally found one in Orlando at Florida Hospital on the Neurosurgical unit. I was very lucky that I had insurance that started on day one of hire. My back had other plans for me.  I couldn’t do my job, I was in pain all of the time. I would go to work and isolate myself from my co workers due to the pain. After waiting for over about 2 months, I was finally able to get in to see the  surgeon.  Ended up needing a Myelogram to take a look at the hardware that was already placed. The news did not come back good. My hardware was loose and moving.

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So, on July 31, 2012 and August 1, 2012 I had a total of 2 different surgeries. I am now fused both front and back to the L4 -S1 area. I continue to  have pain due to the large amount of scar tissue built up around the L4 nerve root. The only options that I have now are medications, which I didn’t tolerate or having an implanted nerve stimulator. I don’t want the stimulator and I am hoping with weight loss surgery it will help.

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