3 months since surgery

I am down 76.4 lbs. since surgery.  I am having a very hard time seeing my weight loss at times. I see it in my clothes and under my chin, but in other places I really can’t see it.

I need to do so many things, that maybe I will see it.  My hair is falling out, mostly in the shower. I am used to it with it being long, but it comes at times when I really hate having to wash it due to how much I will find in the shower or in my hands.

I have been having issues getting in all of my water and protein in each day. And any type of exercise has been put to the side. I have been so busy with Cub Scouts and trying to find time for myself.  Thank goodness that this is my last year with Scouts.

It is getting cold here in Southern Illinois and it is making me even colder. Getting used to this new body is not easy. I am tired all of the time and I just want to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back on any anti depressants.

I feel like I am disappointing my supporters. I am not training for my next race or doing any training at all.

My house is a mess and I feel like the walls are closing in on me at times. I want to tear down those walls, but I don’t have the money to repair what I am more than willing to tear down.

“All good things for those that wait.”    I am really starting to hate that saying.

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Being a BAD mommy and TriEqual News

I must be a bad mom.

I made a comment on Facebook asking about all of the eating the J has been doing these past few weeks. He is always hungry. I know that he is going through another growth spurt. but it feels like every hour to 2 hours after coming home from school he wants something to eat. Well, it started… get him active in sport. he is bored, he needs a hobby.

Do you think I haven’t tried? I refuse to push my son into anything for the sake of him doing a sport. Yes, I dreamed of him playing sports when he was little. I wanted a left handed relief pitcher to play for the Cardinals. But as time when on the Asperger’s took over. I am not completely blaming the Asperger’s, as I am the most at blame. I didn’t take him out to the park that much or get him into swimming lessons when he was little or to the pool. Was I lazy for not doing those things with him? In a way I was and I shed tears about it all the time. I have made some really bad choices in the past 10 years concerning how my son grew up. If I make any changes now it will destroy the sweet boy that I have now, my pirate at heart.

My son is not active in any sports. He plays video games when ever he can or watches You Tube videos about Minecraft and other games.My son also has Asperger’s. The video games keep him active, he is highly intelligent and loves history, social studies and culture. I have a scholar on my hands.

I get tired to others telling me I should do this or that, get him into sports or hobby. I am about to lose it. He is me all over again. I am such an introvert and I want to make everyone happy when I am miserable on the inside.

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Now on to other news………  TriEqual has launched the Inspiring Program that will match inspiring women triathletes with coaches that will follow and coach them for a total of three months free. The hope is to increase women into the sport of triathlons.  I have already sent in my application. Keep your fingers crossed for me. I truly believe that if I don’t find a coach soon, I will end up giving up on the sport and myself. That I one thing that I CANNOT do. I have to show my son that it is alright to be as active as you can be at any size.

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http://triequal.org/index.php/2015/09/08/triequal-launches-equally-inspiring-program-to-increase-womens-participation-in-triathlon/

I would like to have a breakdown, oh I mean a break.

I would like to be able to take a 3 month leave from work, to get things right in my world. But in order to do that, it would mean no races or any trips for me and Joshua and that is maybe.

This summer has gone by just way to fast and we never got to go anywhere or see anything together. My vacation time that I did have was spent when I had my surgery. Now, I have to work my way up in hours to be able to get any time off again. I can’t even request days in the future, until I have hours saved.

Today is a day were I wished that I had someone in my life to share this with, someone to support me and my son in decisions and plans not just financially.

Something will have to give soon, the only thing that will not be given up is my training and racing. That is for me only and I hope to get Joshua involved.

I love you Joshua and mommy will try harder.
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I hate Asperger’s and what it has done to my family

I love my son. I just hate what Asperger’s has done to him.

I miss my little boy that liked to go outside and play. He wasn’t afraid of anything and loved to take a bath.

Now I can’t get him to go outside to play, he has breakdown when he has to take a shower and will not try anything new. He is scared to put his face in the water or ride a bike.

I just don’t know how to help him. I try to understand. I ask him to help me understand, but he doesn’t know how to explain it to me or to himself.

I want my little boy back!

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At a swimming party today, not having fun.

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I know that there are some things that a mommy can’t fix, but I wish I could fix this one thing.