I would like to have a breakdown, oh I mean a break.

I would like to be able to take a 3 month leave from work, to get things right in my world. But in order to do that, it would mean no races or any trips for me and Joshua and that is maybe.

This summer has gone by just way to fast and we never got to go anywhere or see anything together. My vacation time that I did have was spent when I had my surgery. Now, I have to work my way up in hours to be able to get any time off again. I can’t even request days in the future, until I have hours saved.

Today is a day were I wished that I had someone in my life to share this with, someone to support me and my son in decisions and plans not just financially.

Something will have to give soon, the only thing that will not be given up is my training and racing. That is for me only and I hope to get Joshua involved.

I love you Joshua and mommy will try harder.
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It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t written in awhile………

So much has been going on that I have forgotten to write about it all.

As of today I am down a total of 39.4 lbs. Almost to my first goal, only 0.6 lbs. to go. Right now I am doing my goals in 10 lbs. segments to keep things manageable or I would lose my mind.

My biggest issues here lately is going to the bathroom. Can we spell hemorrhoids, children?? Thank goodness for spell check because I sure can’t. There is never a better sound than a plop on the water of the toilet stool. Finally after about 2 days I am feeling better. They do warn you that this could and will happen.
My rash is about gone. Yeah!

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I have figured a few things out…. I can’t eat 2 eggs in one setting. I have to take about 45 minutes to eat each meal. Which equals almost 2 hours without a drink. But it is all good. I am making better choices for myself and starting to make them for my son also. We are having baked Pollock tonight, when you look at things 4 oz isn’t that much, but trying to get it is a different story. May have to eat half now and the rest later tonight.

I have started back walking and doing a great job, waiting for it to gets little cooler before heading out tonight.

Starting to panic and not about surgery

I moved back to my hometown one year ago. We, my son and I, were very active in Cub Scouts in Florida. I was in contact with the local counsel and trying to get Joshua ready for the new scout year.

What happened was, I help establish a new Cub Scout Pack. I have been close to tears, crying and wanting to give it all up. Don’t get me wrong, I love what scouting has done for my son but when you do just about everything on your own it gets trying. I did have help at times, but it has zapped my scouting spirit.
I really want to walk away from it all and not look back.

Now for the 2015 Scouting year, they have changed the program completely and it has caused me so many mental breakdowns. There are so many things that I have NO clue on how to do or how to teach the Cubs. Hence the panic.

I have so many doubts about this upcoming year. Will I get the help and leaders that I need? Will I have to completely take over and teach each group? I would love just to be the Cub Master and not have to be a Den Leader. Cub Scouts only work IF you have parents that stay evolved each week.

I don’t need this additional stress and panic, but I made a promise to my son and I will not break that promise.

Scared and Excited

I haven’t written in awhile, so I better update everyone.

I HAVE MY SURGERY DATE!! JULY 13, 2015 ONLY 7 day away. I am so excited and scared at the same time. I have been watching what I am eating, but it just doesn’t seem to be enough. I am getting my water in and trying to make the best choices that I can.

My Dad is flying in on Saturday and he is going to be with me during my time in the hospital and then stay for another week. Friday will be my last day a work and I will not have to go back until the Monday after surgery. That will allow me about 4 days at home to get adjusted to things and sleep. Thank goodness I work from home, it will make things so much better.

The biggest thing that I am scared about is it will not happen or will not work for me. I have never gotten this far before in my other attempts to have surgery.

Just say a little prayer for me, Especially next Monday. I am the 2nd case of the morning.

Inspiration?

I was called an inspiration by a friend today. I don’t see it that way.

I am just a fat girl trying to get healthy, not only for myself but also for my son. I will have to work very hard to complete the goals that I have set for myself. It will not be easy and there will be many, many tears.

I have not done one bit of training since April. I did walk 3 miles for Relay for Life, but only did it a mile at a time. I had a bone scan done and now I have to have a MRI to see why my left lateral foot hurts. It even hurts when I put my shoes on and if I pull the strings too tight, there is pain.

I am trying to get the money together to pay for surgery. I have to have $465.00 by June 30, 2015. Thank goodness for Walmart credit card and cash back. I already have $200.00 saved and I now have to get the rest. I got the first $100.00 today and will get the next sometime next week. I keep telling myself… body by Walmart. I started working some overtime hours to be able to pay the bill when it comes. I did buy a lottery ticket tonight, but that was for selfish reasons. I want to go on a shopping spree at All3Sports in Atlanta.

Speaking of Atlanta, I am thinking about going down for my birthday. I found a race the first Saturday of December and I may have a few friends that will race it with me. By then I will be almost 5 months post op from surgery.

I am rambling tonight so thanks for letting me ramble.

It has been an amazing week!!

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I got the word on Thursday, June 11, 2015 I called the insurance company and was told that my surgery was approved!!! So, I called the surgeon’s office and was told the same thing. Jackie had called and left a message on my cell phone, but I had nothing. Later that night, I restarted my phone and I ended up with 4 different message. LOL
I was transferred over to the surgeon’s office and had to leave a message. Thursdays, I found out later is clinic day and they never answer the phone. I called back on Friday and Hollie was off.
I am in panic, excited mode right now, I want my date; I need my date, trying not to call every 5 minutes.

As I was on a conference call with work, on Monday, I get a call back from Hollie. Yes, I called again on Monday morning and she was in a meeting.

1:15pm CST I got my surgery date: JULY 13, 2015.

The phone calls and text messages start after that, yes I was still able to get my work done.
I was able to get so much done after work and before going to my school board meeting.
I found a hotel room for my Dad, as he is flying up to go to Nashville with me for two weeks.
And today, Dad called with his flight information.

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I started 2 weeks ago doing a modified 2 week diet from my surgeon’s office. Was told to only eat chicken or fish and veggies. I needed to shrink the liver for surgery.

I have lost 12 lbs to date. From 321 to 309 as of Monday, June 15, 2015.

This is it for the very happy news……. now for the not so happy news……..

I had a bone scan on Friday and it looks like I may have a stress fracture to my left lateral foot.
I go back this week, since I didn’t get a call saying that it was clear, and see what we will do next.

xoxoxoxo

I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!!

This is a rant not about my weight, but my body in general. This may be a long story, so grab a snack or something to drink and happy reading.

Back in 2005 I had my son, everything went great. I was loving life, not that isn’t true. I had a bad case of Baby Blues on top of already having depression. Not a very good combination.  Now move forward 2 years, my Mom was told that she had lung cancer and was getting ready to start treatment and one morning I woke up and couldn’t move very well.  I went to the chiropractor and it didn’t help, but made it worse.  After having a MRI, found out that I had herniation at L5 – S1 that was the size of my thumb. The Pain management doctor said we could try injections, but he was certain that I would need surgery.

I ended up having surgery in October  2007 right after my son’s 2nd birthday. Things got better, I went back to work after being off for 6 weeks. Then I lost my mom on March 5, 2008. To me my world came to an end, but  life had to move on and I tried really hard. Had issues at work and at home, ate everything in site. Then in 2009 I started having issues once again. This time it was much different.  My right leg would go completely numb and tingle.  Went back to the pain doctor and had another MRI. Then I got the phone call. There was nothing that they could offer me and suggested surgery.

So, I head into my 2nd back surgery, scared, with a 4 year old and my mom not being here. I have a very supportive family and they helped me so much.  I am now fused from L4 to S1. Wearing a Turtle shell brace and walking with a walker.  I moved and started a new job and things were going well. I was into my 2nd year at the new job and the pain started back again. I didn’t think much about it as I was working in Nursing Education. Then I lost my job. It was both a curse and blessing.

After about a month of looking for a job, I finally found one in Orlando at Florida Hospital on the Neurosurgical unit. I was very lucky that I had insurance that started on day one of hire. My back had other plans for me.  I couldn’t do my job, I was in pain all of the time. I would go to work and isolate myself from my co workers due to the pain. After waiting for over about 2 months, I was finally able to get in to see the  surgeon.  Ended up needing a Myelogram to take a look at the hardware that was already placed. The news did not come back good. My hardware was loose and moving.

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So, on July 31, 2012 and August 1, 2012 I had a total of 2 different surgeries. I am now fused both front and back to the L4 -S1 area. I continue to  have pain due to the large amount of scar tissue built up around the L4 nerve root. The only options that I have now are medications, which I didn’t tolerate or having an implanted nerve stimulator. I don’t want the stimulator and I am hoping with weight loss surgery it will help.

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