Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

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Time to get to work

I have had a big awaking during the past few weeks. I allowed my weight to creep up to 170 lbs. This was my original goal weight when I set out on my weight loss journey. I had gotten all the way down to 143-148. Then something switched in my head after hearing concerns from trusted friends that I needed to gain some weight. That little talk flipped the switch in my head saying that I don’t need to watch what I eat because I need to gain some weight.

I fell back into old habits and started eating peanut M&Ms like they were going out of style. I was stress eating due to work, family and school. My training has suffered because of it. I have not wanted to do any training for the last few weeks.

I know that has to stop and will stop come March 1, 2018 when I start training with my #equallyinspiring Coach Lesley.

I help with the weight loss, I started the 5 Day Pouch Test.

 

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I have done an OK job so far, but need to really step up the game.  I need to do this for me. I am also going to be seeing a therapist to help with the switch or as I call it the hamster on the wheel that is running in my head.

I am not close enough to go to support group meetings in Nashville, TN where I had surgery. The closest support groups in the St. Louis area are all over an hour away and meet either right at rush hour or too late at night.

I know that I can do this and I will get it done. I have to!

Discouragement & Depression

I have not had a very good last few weeks. I have not wanted to do any training or be careful of what I am eating. I am trying to keep my weight below 160 lbs and I need it to be around 150 to 155 to feel my best.  Just not happening here lately.

I get real discouraged when I read other friends reports of their training on Facebook and wonder why can’t I be like that. So dedicated to their goals and training and making things happen.  Yes, I want to do a full Ironman race but do I really have the time and energy to put in the work? Can I be as disciplined as my friends KGR, Leslie, Kimmee or Rachel? Three belong to Team USA.

Am I putting so much pressure on myself that I am setting myself up for failure? All of these questions run through my head and send me into a deeper depression. I know that I feel so much better when I do train, but there are days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings to start my work for the day.

I have yet been able to master the gift of time and money management which then sets me further down the dark whole.

This sport has blessed me with so much and I just can’t throw it all away.

I need a training partner. Someone that will get  me out and help me become a better rider, runner and swimmer. Someone that will challenge me to swim faster, to run harder and to bike longer.

I have had several that say to come riding with them, but they are usually riding when I am at work or I have something to do with Joshua.

I need a goal race for next year and a big goal race.  I have several small races that I have picked out, just have to wait for the money to sign up.

April  Try Tri Illinois  sprint

May St. Louis Tri  sprint or oly (I am wanting to move up in distance)

August Wood River  sprint   (maybe if nothing else comes along)

I have a lot to do between now and then. I have to get comfortable in aero on “Blessing”

Which Half Ironman is your favorite?

3 months since surgery

I am down 76.4 lbs. since surgery.  I am having a very hard time seeing my weight loss at times. I see it in my clothes and under my chin, but in other places I really can’t see it.

I need to do so many things, that maybe I will see it.  My hair is falling out, mostly in the shower. I am used to it with it being long, but it comes at times when I really hate having to wash it due to how much I will find in the shower or in my hands.

I have been having issues getting in all of my water and protein in each day. And any type of exercise has been put to the side. I have been so busy with Cub Scouts and trying to find time for myself.  Thank goodness that this is my last year with Scouts.

It is getting cold here in Southern Illinois and it is making me even colder. Getting used to this new body is not easy. I am tired all of the time and I just want to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back on any anti depressants.

I feel like I am disappointing my supporters. I am not training for my next race or doing any training at all.

My house is a mess and I feel like the walls are closing in on me at times. I want to tear down those walls, but I don’t have the money to repair what I am more than willing to tear down.

“All good things for those that wait.”    I am really starting to hate that saying.

I would like to have a breakdown, oh I mean a break.

I would like to be able to take a 3 month leave from work, to get things right in my world. But in order to do that, it would mean no races or any trips for me and Joshua and that is maybe.

This summer has gone by just way to fast and we never got to go anywhere or see anything together. My vacation time that I did have was spent when I had my surgery. Now, I have to work my way up in hours to be able to get any time off again. I can’t even request days in the future, until I have hours saved.

Today is a day were I wished that I had someone in my life to share this with, someone to support me and my son in decisions and plans not just financially.

Something will have to give soon, the only thing that will not be given up is my training and racing. That is for me only and I hope to get Joshua involved.

I love you Joshua and mommy will try harder.
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It has been brought to my attention that I haven’t written in awhile………

So much has been going on that I have forgotten to write about it all.

As of today I am down a total of 39.4 lbs. Almost to my first goal, only 0.6 lbs. to go. Right now I am doing my goals in 10 lbs. segments to keep things manageable or I would lose my mind.

My biggest issues here lately is going to the bathroom. Can we spell hemorrhoids, children?? Thank goodness for spell check because I sure can’t. There is never a better sound than a plop on the water of the toilet stool. Finally after about 2 days I am feeling better. They do warn you that this could and will happen.
My rash is about gone. Yeah!

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I have figured a few things out…. I can’t eat 2 eggs in one setting. I have to take about 45 minutes to eat each meal. Which equals almost 2 hours without a drink. But it is all good. I am making better choices for myself and starting to make them for my son also. We are having baked Pollock tonight, when you look at things 4 oz isn’t that much, but trying to get it is a different story. May have to eat half now and the rest later tonight.

I have started back walking and doing a great job, waiting for it to gets little cooler before heading out tonight.

Starting to panic and not about surgery

I moved back to my hometown one year ago. We, my son and I, were very active in Cub Scouts in Florida. I was in contact with the local counsel and trying to get Joshua ready for the new scout year.

What happened was, I help establish a new Cub Scout Pack. I have been close to tears, crying and wanting to give it all up. Don’t get me wrong, I love what scouting has done for my son but when you do just about everything on your own it gets trying. I did have help at times, but it has zapped my scouting spirit.
I really want to walk away from it all and not look back.

Now for the 2015 Scouting year, they have changed the program completely and it has caused me so many mental breakdowns. There are so many things that I have NO clue on how to do or how to teach the Cubs. Hence the panic.

I have so many doubts about this upcoming year. Will I get the help and leaders that I need? Will I have to completely take over and teach each group? I would love just to be the Cub Master and not have to be a Den Leader. Cub Scouts only work IF you have parents that stay evolved each week.

I don’t need this additional stress and panic, but I made a promise to my son and I will not break that promise.