I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!!

This is a rant not about my weight, but my body in general. This may be a long story, so grab a snack or something to drink and happy reading.

Back in 2005 I had my son, everything went great. I was loving life, not that isn’t true. I had a bad case of Baby Blues on top of already having depression. Not a very good combination.  Now move forward 2 years, my Mom was told that she had lung cancer and was getting ready to start treatment and one morning I woke up and couldn’t move very well.  I went to the chiropractor and it didn’t help, but made it worse.  After having a MRI, found out that I had herniation at L5 – S1 that was the size of my thumb. The Pain management doctor said we could try injections, but he was certain that I would need surgery.

I ended up having surgery in October  2007 right after my son’s 2nd birthday. Things got better, I went back to work after being off for 6 weeks. Then I lost my mom on March 5, 2008. To me my world came to an end, but  life had to move on and I tried really hard. Had issues at work and at home, ate everything in site. Then in 2009 I started having issues once again. This time it was much different.  My right leg would go completely numb and tingle.  Went back to the pain doctor and had another MRI. Then I got the phone call. There was nothing that they could offer me and suggested surgery.

So, I head into my 2nd back surgery, scared, with a 4 year old and my mom not being here. I have a very supportive family and they helped me so much.  I am now fused from L4 to S1. Wearing a Turtle shell brace and walking with a walker.  I moved and started a new job and things were going well. I was into my 2nd year at the new job and the pain started back again. I didn’t think much about it as I was working in Nursing Education. Then I lost my job. It was both a curse and blessing.

After about a month of looking for a job, I finally found one in Orlando at Florida Hospital on the Neurosurgical unit. I was very lucky that I had insurance that started on day one of hire. My back had other plans for me.  I couldn’t do my job, I was in pain all of the time. I would go to work and isolate myself from my co workers due to the pain. After waiting for over about 2 months, I was finally able to get in to see the  surgeon.  Ended up needing a Myelogram to take a look at the hardware that was already placed. The news did not come back good. My hardware was loose and moving.

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So, on July 31, 2012 and August 1, 2012 I had a total of 2 different surgeries. I am now fused both front and back to the L4 -S1 area. I continue to  have pain due to the large amount of scar tissue built up around the L4 nerve root. The only options that I have now are medications, which I didn’t tolerate or having an implanted nerve stimulator. I don’t want the stimulator and I am hoping with weight loss surgery it will help.

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I am how big????

I knew that I was a big girl and needed to lose some weight, but it never really hit me until I saw these photos of myself from my first ever swim meet.  I am at my highest weight ever. I weighed less at 9 months pregnant than I do today.

What is so shocking is how your own brain can play tricks on you. When I look at myself, I don’t see that I am this big.

This has been an ongoing issue for me my whole life. I have been to therapy so many times I don’t have enough fingers or toes to count that high.  Growing up I was the token fat girl in class that would get laughed at and teased. Kids in grade school can be very mean and when you don’t have the coping skills at a young age it never leaves you.

I am on my final steps in getting approved for weight loss surgery. I just found out that the office just got the last piece of paperwork that is needed. I go on Tuesday, May 5th for my last class and then see the surgeon on June 1st, with possible approval 2 weeks after. The it will be the waiting game for a surgery date as he is about 4 to 6 weeks out after you get approved.

Keep your fingers crossed!!

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