Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

Time to get to work

I have had a big awaking during the past few weeks. I allowed my weight to creep up to 170 lbs. This was my original goal weight when I set out on my weight loss journey. I had gotten all the way down to 143-148. Then something switched in my head after hearing concerns from trusted friends that I needed to gain some weight. That little talk flipped the switch in my head saying that I don’t need to watch what I eat because I need to gain some weight.

I fell back into old habits and started eating peanut M&Ms like they were going out of style. I was stress eating due to work, family and school. My training has suffered because of it. I have not wanted to do any training for the last few weeks.

I know that has to stop and will stop come March 1, 2018 when I start training with my #equallyinspiring Coach Lesley.

I help with the weight loss, I started the 5 Day Pouch Test.

 

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I have done an OK job so far, but need to really step up the game.  I need to do this for me. I am also going to be seeing a therapist to help with the switch or as I call it the hamster on the wheel that is running in my head.

I am not close enough to go to support group meetings in Nashville, TN where I had surgery. The closest support groups in the St. Louis area are all over an hour away and meet either right at rush hour or too late at night.

I know that I can do this and I will get it done. I have to!

This has been a busy and exciting week

This past week has been a very busy one. Trying to get my school work done, from trying to figure out a Fishbone diagram and a PICK chart for my nursing class to having a DXA scan, RMR and VO2 test at school.

The testing at school was a new experience to me and I am still trying to figure out the numbers and what they really mean to my athletic status and what I need to do to improve.

 

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My VO2 was 28.5 and for my age of 48 was right in between fair and good. Will need to work on it, also if we had done the other slower test we may have gotten different results. That is partly my fault that I didn’t tell them that my average mile run is between 12 and 14 minutes.

It was a fun 2 hours and learning about what I can do. The VO2 test didn’t last very long as the speed went up fast and I couldn’t handle it at 6mph on the treadmill.

Should have done the other slower build test. Will do that the next time. This was the first time ever doing this type of testing. I was very lucky that I am a student and was able to get the test package at half price.

On January 27, 2018 I heard the news that I had been waiting for…..

 

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I am so excited to be working with Coach Lesley Kruzel and I can’t wait to get started.

EATING

I have been having issues in this area. It will always be an issue for me no matter what size I am. I have to get it under control.

Trying to find a weight loss support group in my area is very hard. The closest ones are in St. Louis and over an hour away.  I will get through this and be better for it.

I will be writing more about my training and life in general. Going to make it a weekly project and put it on my calendar to remind myself to do it. I am finishing up my BSN and will be graduating on May 4, 2018. Hoping to hear if I have gotten into the MSN program the first week on March for the fall. Then I will have the whole summer off for training, local races and spending time with my son and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Good bye 2017… Hello 2018

As we get ready to ring in a New Year, there are many things that I have to thankful for in the past year.

  1. My wonderful family both blood and chosen. They have been my rock in so many ways.
  2. My wonderful friends that I have met and reconnected with over the past year.
  3. Taking a trip of a lifetime in April to the Grand Canyon and Whitewater Rafting down the Colorado River and then hiking out the Bright Angel Trail.
  4. Maintaining my weight loss for the past year, give and take 10 lbs.
  5. Seeing my son adjust to his mother’s crazy ideals and moving away from what he knew and his friends to a bigger school.
  6. Doing my one and only Tri in August and then doing my first ever half marathon in a little over 3 hours.
  7. Working towards my degree in Nursing and hoping to move towards my Masters degree.
  8. So many more things.

 

Goals for 2018

  1. To maintain my weight better and to find my groove in cooking healthy meals for both of us to eat.
  2. Focus on my last 2 classes for my BSN.
  3. Start back training in a fun and healthy manner.
  4. Have fun this summer with races and spending time with my son and friends.
  5. Going to focus on swimming and riding this winter.
  6. Learn to be in aero on the bike and once weather is better getting out and riding in aero.
  7. More open water swims

 

These are just a few short goals that I want to work towards for 2018.

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I am off to a good start.. slow but made my goal of 30 minutes. Need to work on speed and endurance.

 

Have a wonderful and safe New Year!

Jen

It has been a crazy month

I have been non-stop since my last post.  It feels like it has been over a month since I wrote, but in truth it has only been a few weeks.

I celebrated my 48th birthday on the 3rd, then had to write my final paper for my Nursing Research class that was due on the 13th (got it done before then and turned in), now trying to get things ready for Christmas.

Joshua and I are heading down to Florida to spend Christmas with my Dad and brother. This will be the first time back to Florida since we moved to Illinois in 2014. I have worked by butt off getting my PTO time saved up to be able to take 6 days off.

Now on to training and eating.   I HAVE BEEN BAD!!!!!!

My training has taken a huge back seat to life and so has my eating.  My weight had gotten back up to 165 and I just felt like crap. First of all, I have been so upset with myself that I allow myself to slip back into old unhealthy eating habits when I get stressed. Will have to work on finding better ways when school starts back up in January.

I have gone back to just drinking my protein drinks and water. I have slipped up twice and had my mortal enemy of peanut M&Ms. I just have to refocus and remember why I did this in the first place.

I have been trying to find a support group that isn’t over an hour away.  I will keep looking.

Back to the training…. Joshua has swimming lessons every Thursday night and there just happens to be a Masters Swim Class at the same time. So, we both get to swim on Thursday nights. Plus he does so much better when I am not watching. I am so proud of him and how far he has come in his swimming.

Now on to bigger news…….

 

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http://triequal.org/

They have opened up applications for their “Equally Inspiring Athlete” for women to be coached for three months for free. They continue to want to increase the number of women in the sport. I was very lucky in 2015 that I applied and was accepted. Sadly it didn’t last long as I got injured and couldn’t continue. This was right before my weight loss surgery.  So, I was encouraged to apply again and I did.

 

Discouragement & Depression

I have not had a very good last few weeks. I have not wanted to do any training or be careful of what I am eating. I am trying to keep my weight below 160 lbs and I need it to be around 150 to 155 to feel my best.  Just not happening here lately.

I get real discouraged when I read other friends reports of their training on Facebook and wonder why can’t I be like that. So dedicated to their goals and training and making things happen.  Yes, I want to do a full Ironman race but do I really have the time and energy to put in the work? Can I be as disciplined as my friends KGR, Leslie, Kimmee or Rachel? Three belong to Team USA.

Am I putting so much pressure on myself that I am setting myself up for failure? All of these questions run through my head and send me into a deeper depression. I know that I feel so much better when I do train, but there are days it is all I can do to get out of bed in the mornings to start my work for the day.

I have yet been able to master the gift of time and money management which then sets me further down the dark whole.

This sport has blessed me with so much and I just can’t throw it all away.

I need a training partner. Someone that will get  me out and help me become a better rider, runner and swimmer. Someone that will challenge me to swim faster, to run harder and to bike longer.

I have had several that say to come riding with them, but they are usually riding when I am at work or I have something to do with Joshua.

I need a goal race for next year and a big goal race.  I have several small races that I have picked out, just have to wait for the money to sign up.

April  Try Tri Illinois  sprint

May St. Louis Tri  sprint or oly (I am wanting to move up in distance)

August Wood River  sprint   (maybe if nothing else comes along)

I have a lot to do between now and then. I have to get comfortable in aero on “Blessing”

Which Half Ironman is your favorite?

3 months since surgery

I am down 76.4 lbs. since surgery.  I am having a very hard time seeing my weight loss at times. I see it in my clothes and under my chin, but in other places I really can’t see it.

I need to do so many things, that maybe I will see it.  My hair is falling out, mostly in the shower. I am used to it with it being long, but it comes at times when I really hate having to wash it due to how much I will find in the shower or in my hands.

I have been having issues getting in all of my water and protein in each day. And any type of exercise has been put to the side. I have been so busy with Cub Scouts and trying to find time for myself.  Thank goodness that this is my last year with Scouts.

It is getting cold here in Southern Illinois and it is making me even colder. Getting used to this new body is not easy. I am tired all of the time and I just want to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back on any anti depressants.

I feel like I am disappointing my supporters. I am not training for my next race or doing any training at all.

My house is a mess and I feel like the walls are closing in on me at times. I want to tear down those walls, but I don’t have the money to repair what I am more than willing to tear down.

“All good things for those that wait.”    I am really starting to hate that saying.