Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

From Surgery until now

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This was the morning of surgery on July 13, 2015. I was really excited that I didn’t get much sleep the night before.

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I needed to be at the hospital at 7AM, well we go there sooner, but not much of a wait to go back to pre-op.

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Got everything on and waiting to go back to the holding area. Getting a little nervous, but more excited.

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I made it to the losers bench!! I still can’t believe that I had the surgery and everything was going great. Once I was awake, I didn’t have much pain. Only had pain meds twice after surgery. I was able to get up and walk around 6pm that night and once I got the OK to walk on my own. I was up an moving all the time. Every time I woke up, I got up and walked the halls. Everyone was so impressed.

On July 14, 2015 the first day post-op, Dr. Houston came in and informed me that he just about didn’t do the surgery. I was shocked to say the least. He informed me that my hiatal hernia was bigger than what the Upper GI said and that I should of had the Gastric Bypass. But he went ahead and dissected the hernia and it slipped right back down. He was able to complete the Gastric Sleeve. I was so thankful as my wonderful Dad flew up from Florida to be with me and I had taken all of my PTO time to have the surgery.

I started drinking my fluids and I must be one lucky person as I have not had any issues with nausea or vomiting. I am only taking Tylenol for pain and of course my right side hurts the most as he said it would. This is the side where they take the dissected stomach out.
I am having a lot of itching to my belly and redness round the puncture sites, but I think the redness is from the instruments used and no infection.

I am getting my water and protein in each day and that is about it. I have gone through a case a bottled water since being home. Good thing I have a $25.00 gift card from Target. Dad was able to get 6 cases of water for me. We don’t have a Target that is close, so I waited to use it when we got down to Nashville.

Dr. Houston had stated that he may keep me for a total of 3 days due to the distance. We drove 4 hours one way to get there, but I only needed 2 days.

My pre surgical weight in was 296.4 lbs. I gained about 4 lbs. due to IV fluids, so my weight coming home was around 300. As of today I was 289.4lbs.

HW 321.6 SW 296.4 CW 289.4 Total to date: 32.2lbs from June 1, 2015.

I go back to work on Monday and then back down to Nashville for my post op appointment on Thursday.

If you are near the Nashville, TN area I would highly recommend checking out:

The Center for the Treatment of Obesity at Centennial Medical Center
http://www.cmcwls.com

Inspiration?

I was called an inspiration by a friend today. I don’t see it that way.

I am just a fat girl trying to get healthy, not only for myself but also for my son. I will have to work very hard to complete the goals that I have set for myself. It will not be easy and there will be many, many tears.

I have not done one bit of training since April. I did walk 3 miles for Relay for Life, but only did it a mile at a time. I had a bone scan done and now I have to have a MRI to see why my left lateral foot hurts. It even hurts when I put my shoes on and if I pull the strings too tight, there is pain.

I am trying to get the money together to pay for surgery. I have to have $465.00 by June 30, 2015. Thank goodness for Walmart credit card and cash back. I already have $200.00 saved and I now have to get the rest. I got the first $100.00 today and will get the next sometime next week. I keep telling myself… body by Walmart. I started working some overtime hours to be able to pay the bill when it comes. I did buy a lottery ticket tonight, but that was for selfish reasons. I want to go on a shopping spree at All3Sports in Atlanta.

Speaking of Atlanta, I am thinking about going down for my birthday. I found a race the first Saturday of December and I may have a few friends that will race it with me. By then I will be almost 5 months post op from surgery.

I am rambling tonight so thanks for letting me ramble.

It has been an amazing week!!

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I got the word on Thursday, June 11, 2015 I called the insurance company and was told that my surgery was approved!!! So, I called the surgeon’s office and was told the same thing. Jackie had called and left a message on my cell phone, but I had nothing. Later that night, I restarted my phone and I ended up with 4 different message. LOL
I was transferred over to the surgeon’s office and had to leave a message. Thursdays, I found out later is clinic day and they never answer the phone. I called back on Friday and Hollie was off.
I am in panic, excited mode right now, I want my date; I need my date, trying not to call every 5 minutes.

As I was on a conference call with work, on Monday, I get a call back from Hollie. Yes, I called again on Monday morning and she was in a meeting.

1:15pm CST I got my surgery date: JULY 13, 2015.

The phone calls and text messages start after that, yes I was still able to get my work done.
I was able to get so much done after work and before going to my school board meeting.
I found a hotel room for my Dad, as he is flying up to go to Nashville with me for two weeks.
And today, Dad called with his flight information.

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I started 2 weeks ago doing a modified 2 week diet from my surgeon’s office. Was told to only eat chicken or fish and veggies. I needed to shrink the liver for surgery.

I have lost 12 lbs to date. From 321 to 309 as of Monday, June 15, 2015.

This is it for the very happy news……. now for the not so happy news……..

I had a bone scan on Friday and it looks like I may have a stress fracture to my left lateral foot.
I go back this week, since I didn’t get a call saying that it was clear, and see what we will do next.

xoxoxoxo

A winning dream

I had the most wonderful dream last night.

I won my first Tri and I didn’t know that I won until names were announce. Not sure of the distance, but I know that I won. I was so excited this morning when I woke up. Best dream to have.

I have been working on my office/training room.

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Before

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The destruction
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OUCHIE from the hammer

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Needed tons of this for the wall.

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Safety First

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Getting ready for the last step. Need to wet sand and then clean the walls. Should be ready by this weekend to get the primer up on the walls.

I am going with a blue color for all of the walls and then add color when I can. I have a saying that I am going to put up on the main wall that I will be looking at when I am training.

“DREAMS START HERE”

I am also going add some chalkboard paint to something so I can keep track of my workouts along with a mirror. It will be a slow process, but I am getting very excited about it.

I HATE MY BODY RIGHT NOW!!

This is a rant not about my weight, but my body in general. This may be a long story, so grab a snack or something to drink and happy reading.

Back in 2005 I had my son, everything went great. I was loving life, not that isn’t true. I had a bad case of Baby Blues on top of already having depression. Not a very good combination.  Now move forward 2 years, my Mom was told that she had lung cancer and was getting ready to start treatment and one morning I woke up and couldn’t move very well.  I went to the chiropractor and it didn’t help, but made it worse.  After having a MRI, found out that I had herniation at L5 – S1 that was the size of my thumb. The Pain management doctor said we could try injections, but he was certain that I would need surgery.

I ended up having surgery in October  2007 right after my son’s 2nd birthday. Things got better, I went back to work after being off for 6 weeks. Then I lost my mom on March 5, 2008. To me my world came to an end, but  life had to move on and I tried really hard. Had issues at work and at home, ate everything in site. Then in 2009 I started having issues once again. This time it was much different.  My right leg would go completely numb and tingle.  Went back to the pain doctor and had another MRI. Then I got the phone call. There was nothing that they could offer me and suggested surgery.

So, I head into my 2nd back surgery, scared, with a 4 year old and my mom not being here. I have a very supportive family and they helped me so much.  I am now fused from L4 to S1. Wearing a Turtle shell brace and walking with a walker.  I moved and started a new job and things were going well. I was into my 2nd year at the new job and the pain started back again. I didn’t think much about it as I was working in Nursing Education. Then I lost my job. It was both a curse and blessing.

After about a month of looking for a job, I finally found one in Orlando at Florida Hospital on the Neurosurgical unit. I was very lucky that I had insurance that started on day one of hire. My back had other plans for me.  I couldn’t do my job, I was in pain all of the time. I would go to work and isolate myself from my co workers due to the pain. After waiting for over about 2 months, I was finally able to get in to see the  surgeon.  Ended up needing a Myelogram to take a look at the hardware that was already placed. The news did not come back good. My hardware was loose and moving.

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So, on July 31, 2012 and August 1, 2012 I had a total of 2 different surgeries. I am now fused both front and back to the L4 -S1 area. I continue to  have pain due to the large amount of scar tissue built up around the L4 nerve root. The only options that I have now are medications, which I didn’t tolerate or having an implanted nerve stimulator. I don’t want the stimulator and I am hoping with weight loss surgery it will help.

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