I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.
When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.
- Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
- Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
- Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
- Do I really want to race?
- Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
- What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
- Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
- You are just going to gain it all back.
- You are a failure.
- You will never finish anything that you start.
- You can’t do it, you will fail.
- You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
- Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
- Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
- I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
- I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
- I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.
Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.
What am I scared of, right this minute in time?
I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself. I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.
I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.
How do you find balance? If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.
I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.
I have had a big awaking during the past few weeks. I allowed my weight to creep up to 170 lbs. This was my original goal weight when I set out on my weight loss journey. I had gotten all the way down to 143-148. Then something switched in my head after hearing concerns from trusted friends that I needed to gain some weight. That little talk flipped the switch in my head saying that I don’t need to watch what I eat because I need to gain some weight.
I fell back into old habits and started eating peanut M&Ms like they were going out of style. I was stress eating due to work, family and school. My training has suffered because of it. I have not wanted to do any training for the last few weeks.
I know that has to stop and will stop come March 1, 2018 when I start training with my #equallyinspiring Coach Lesley.
I help with the weight loss, I started the 5 Day Pouch Test.
I have done an OK job so far, but need to really step up the game. I need to do this for me. I am also going to be seeing a therapist to help with the switch or as I call it the hamster on the wheel that is running in my head.
I am not close enough to go to support group meetings in Nashville, TN where I had surgery. The closest support groups in the St. Louis area are all over an hour away and meet either right at rush hour or too late at night.
I know that I can do this and I will get it done. I have to!
This past week has been a very busy one. Trying to get my school work done, from trying to figure out a Fishbone diagram and a PICK chart for my nursing class to having a DXA scan, RMR and VO2 test at school.
The testing at school was a new experience to me and I am still trying to figure out the numbers and what they really mean to my athletic status and what I need to do to improve.
My VO2 was 28.5 and for my age of 48 was right in between fair and good. Will need to work on it, also if we had done the other slower test we may have gotten different results. That is partly my fault that I didn’t tell them that my average mile run is between 12 and 14 minutes.
It was a fun 2 hours and learning about what I can do. The VO2 test didn’t last very long as the speed went up fast and I couldn’t handle it at 6mph on the treadmill.
Should have done the other slower build test. Will do that the next time. This was the first time ever doing this type of testing. I was very lucky that I am a student and was able to get the test package at half price.
On January 27, 2018 I heard the news that I had been waiting for…..
I am so excited to be working with Coach Lesley Kruzel and I can’t wait to get started.
I have been having issues in this area. It will always be an issue for me no matter what size I am. I have to get it under control.
Trying to find a weight loss support group in my area is very hard. The closest ones are in St. Louis and over an hour away. I will get through this and be better for it.
I will be writing more about my training and life in general. Going to make it a weekly project and put it on my calendar to remind myself to do it. I am finishing up my BSN and will be graduating on May 4, 2018. Hoping to hear if I have gotten into the MSN program the first week on March for the fall. Then I will have the whole summer off for training, local races and spending time with my son and friends.
I had the wonderful opportunity in 2015 to be apart of the first group of women athletes to be selected. I got hurt and had to back away from the training and the coaching that I was getting from Krista LaPan. I then had my weight loss surgery in July 2015. I have been slowly working my way back in to training and did really well in 2016.
Fast forward to December 2017 and my wonderful friend Jordan Blanco posted about the opening for applications for the new season with Tri Equal. With Jordan’s encouragement, I put in my application once again. Not really thinking that I would be picked. But guess what…… I GOT PICKED!!!!
I continue my support each day that I wear my @RoadID with my tag #5Q.
This is 2018 and we as women still don’t have equality in so many things. This has to change and I hope that it does in my life time.
As we get ready to ring in a New Year, there are many things that I have to thankful for in the past year.
- My wonderful family both blood and chosen. They have been my rock in so many ways.
- My wonderful friends that I have met and reconnected with over the past year.
- Taking a trip of a lifetime in April to the Grand Canyon and Whitewater Rafting down the Colorado River and then hiking out the Bright Angel Trail.
- Maintaining my weight loss for the past year, give and take 10 lbs.
- Seeing my son adjust to his mother’s crazy ideals and moving away from what he knew and his friends to a bigger school.
- Doing my one and only Tri in August and then doing my first ever half marathon in a little over 3 hours.
- Working towards my degree in Nursing and hoping to move towards my Masters degree.
- So many more things.
Goals for 2018
- To maintain my weight better and to find my groove in cooking healthy meals for both of us to eat.
- Focus on my last 2 classes for my BSN.
- Start back training in a fun and healthy manner.
- Have fun this summer with races and spending time with my son and friends.
- Going to focus on swimming and riding this winter.
- Learn to be in aero on the bike and once weather is better getting out and riding in aero.
- More open water swims
These are just a few short goals that I want to work towards for 2018.
I am off to a good start.. slow but made my goal of 30 minutes. Need to work on speed and endurance.
Have a wonderful and safe New Year!
I have been non-stop since my last post. It feels like it has been over a month since I wrote, but in truth it has only been a few weeks.
I celebrated my 48th birthday on the 3rd, then had to write my final paper for my Nursing Research class that was due on the 13th (got it done before then and turned in), now trying to get things ready for Christmas.
Joshua and I are heading down to Florida to spend Christmas with my Dad and brother. This will be the first time back to Florida since we moved to Illinois in 2014. I have worked by butt off getting my PTO time saved up to be able to take 6 days off.
Now on to training and eating. I HAVE BEEN BAD!!!!!!
My training has taken a huge back seat to life and so has my eating. My weight had gotten back up to 165 and I just felt like crap. First of all, I have been so upset with myself that I allow myself to slip back into old unhealthy eating habits when I get stressed. Will have to work on finding better ways when school starts back up in January.
I have gone back to just drinking my protein drinks and water. I have slipped up twice and had my mortal enemy of peanut M&Ms. I just have to refocus and remember why I did this in the first place.
I have been trying to find a support group that isn’t over an hour away. I will keep looking.
Back to the training…. Joshua has swimming lessons every Thursday night and there just happens to be a Masters Swim Class at the same time. So, we both get to swim on Thursday nights. Plus he does so much better when I am not watching. I am so proud of him and how far he has come in his swimming.
Now on to bigger news…….
They have opened up applications for their “Equally Inspiring Athlete” for women to be coached for three months for free. They continue to want to increase the number of women in the sport. I was very lucky in 2015 that I applied and was accepted. Sadly it didn’t last long as I got injured and couldn’t continue. This was right before my weight loss surgery. So, I was encouraged to apply again and I did.
It has been awhile since I updated everyone on my progress.
As of last week I am down a total of 83 LBS. I try weigh myself every Thursday, which is tomorrow.
Look at what a year makes! The photo on the left was taken last October when I was making my son’s birthday cake. The one on the right was taken about a week ago.
I finally got my hair colored after a year and I took my glasses off for the picture.
I got some exciting news today. TriEqual will be announcing the 50 women who will get to experience free coaching for three months on November 25, 2015. I sent in an application and now I am keeping my fingers crossed. They had nearly 500 applications to read and pair down to only 50.
I ordered my new suit from Swim Outlet and it should be here in the next week. I ordered a size 20, hope it fits I am ready to get back into the pool. Going to work very hard on my swimming in the next few months. Will be getting a membership at the Rec Center here in town for the next 6 months. Happy Birthday and Merry Christmas to me!
My goal is to be able to swim 50 yards without stopping. I have always needed to stop and rest after each 25.
I am looking at my first race to be in April. The Try Tri Illinois at SIUE. I will be doing the super sprint: 150 yard swim, 10mile bike and 2 mile run.
I know from last year, I need to work on climbing hills and learning how to change gears on my bike. I will be using Mabel once again this year, as I am saving my money for an entry level TRI Bike.
My own GOfundme account at home.
Hugs, will update again soon.
I am down 76.4 lbs. since surgery. I am having a very hard time seeing my weight loss at times. I see it in my clothes and under my chin, but in other places I really can’t see it.
I need to do so many things, that maybe I will see it. My hair is falling out, mostly in the shower. I am used to it with it being long, but it comes at times when I really hate having to wash it due to how much I will find in the shower or in my hands.
I have been having issues getting in all of my water and protein in each day. And any type of exercise has been put to the side. I have been so busy with Cub Scouts and trying to find time for myself. Thank goodness that this is my last year with Scouts.
It is getting cold here in Southern Illinois and it is making me even colder. Getting used to this new body is not easy. I am tired all of the time and I just want to hide from the world. I don’t want to go back on any anti depressants.
I feel like I am disappointing my supporters. I am not training for my next race or doing any training at all.
My house is a mess and I feel like the walls are closing in on me at times. I want to tear down those walls, but I don’t have the money to repair what I am more than willing to tear down.
“All good things for those that wait.” I am really starting to hate that saying.
So much has been going on that I have forgotten to write about it all.
As of today I am down a total of 39.4 lbs. Almost to my first goal, only 0.6 lbs. to go. Right now I am doing my goals in 10 lbs. segments to keep things manageable or I would lose my mind.
My biggest issues here lately is going to the bathroom. Can we spell hemorrhoids, children?? Thank goodness for spell check because I sure can’t. There is never a better sound than a plop on the water of the toilet stool. Finally after about 2 days I am feeling better. They do warn you that this could and will happen.
My rash is about gone. Yeah!
I have figured a few things out…. I can’t eat 2 eggs in one setting. I have to take about 45 minutes to eat each meal. Which equals almost 2 hours without a drink. But it is all good. I am making better choices for myself and starting to make them for my son also. We are having baked Pollock tonight, when you look at things 4 oz isn’t that much, but trying to get it is a different story. May have to eat half now and the rest later tonight.
I have started back walking and doing a great job, waiting for it to gets little cooler before heading out tonight.
Let me go back to when I first got home. I was discharged home on July 15, 2015. Everything was going great. They removed the small bandages, Tegaderm and steri strips were in place. The next thing I know, I can’t stop itching. Benadryl taken, nasty when open and mixed with water, cortisone cream applied.
I emailed the above picture to my surgeon and got a phone call on the way down to Nashville to my visit.
It is an allergic reaction to the Tegaderm and steri strips. Which is a first for me. I have had my gallbladder removed and don’t remember having this type of reaction.
Today it is a little better.
I am right on target with my weight loss. I am down a total of 35 lbs. since June 1, 2015.
I have been advanced to Stage 2, which is full liquids and a total of 60 grams of protein.
I am drinking 2 Premiere Protein shakes a day for the next 7 to 10 days. Then I can advance to the soft/pureed stage for 2 weeks. Then real food, but keeping at 60 grams of protein each day.
I really love my doctor. Due to me living 4 hours away, my next 2 visits will be phone calls to check on my weight loss and other things. Then I will be heading back to Nashville in December for a full visit.
Well it is time to drink a shake and start with the stinky farts!