Who am I kidding…..

I am sitting here at 10:05 PM and I can’t sleep. I should have been asleep 2 hours ago. Getting up every morning at 3:30 to start work at 4:00 AM is hard.

When I can’t sleep on nights like this, I start to question every decision have ever made. Tonight is one of those nights.

  1. Why am I over-eating, binge eating on Peanut M&Ms and Cheeze its???
  2. Why do I want to race? Is it really for me or am I doing it for something else or someone else?
  3. Why can’t I get over this and not stress?
  4. Do I really want to race?
  5. Am I wasting my Coaches time and energy?
  6. What if I let so many people down? Will they still like me?
  7. Why can’t you lose the weight that you gained?
  8. You are just going to gain it all back.
  9. You are a failure.
  10. You will never finish anything that you start.
  11. You can’t do it, you will fail.
  12. You can’t make good grades, work full time, train 6 to 8 hours a week and take care of Joshua at the same time.
  13. Work is killing you, causing your headaches and nothing is helping.
  14. Would Joshua be better off if I didn’t do so much?
  15. I hate looking at my body with all of the loose skin?
  16. I hate that I still see the 321 lb person that I was in July 2015.
  17. I hate my body and what it is doing to me. I need answers and no one knows what is going on.

Maybe I can get some sleep now that I have gotten this all out. There are more things inside of me, but I have to really dig deep to get them.

What am I scared of, right this minute in time?

I am scared of failing those around me that believe in me more than I believe in myself.  I need to find the joy in my life that I had in racing. I love race day, but it is the days leading up to it that I am not finding the joy.

I am not much of a social creature, but it would be wonderful to find a training partner that I can really count on getting me out for my workouts and keeping me motivated in reaching my goal. When goals are set too high, you start to fail before really starting. I have set my goal way too high. Yes, I would love to have the experience to race in an Ironman event but not sure if I ever will at this point. I don’t want to miss out on life.

How do you find balance?  If you know of a trick in finding that balance please let me know as I am swaying from side to side and falling. Never had very good balance.

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I need to find this silly, happy girl once again before it’s too late.

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First week heading into the second

I was able to complete all of my training in the GREEN. If you are on Training Peaks, you will understand.

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Really proud of myself for my first week of training. Now the 2nd week is a little different already and it is only Tuesday. I was to do an hour of yoga last night, well life got into the way. I had my chiropractor’s appointment with Integrity Spine and Joint Center for my ongoing headaches that have kept us both baffled in how to get rid of them. Then had to run to Wal-Mart to pick up some protein to eat and snack on.  Back home to pick up Joshua at the bus stop to head to our eye doctor’s appointments.

Back home after 6 PM and $1000.00 less in my flexible spending account, two new sets of glasses and trail of new contacts for mom. Home work with tears and shut down on Joshua. I was off to my Tri Club meeting with Metro Tri Club. Need to get all of the extra club points that I can get.

By the time I got home it was time to get ready for bed and get Joshua ready for bed. I was tired and needed my sleep. Will move the yoga to Friday as that is an off day that Coach Lesley had scheduled. trainingpeaks2

I am so excited about seeing all of this training, but I am trying to to feel overwhelmed at the same time. I am on Spring Break from school this week, so it is a good time to focus on just me and my training.

Thank you, Coach Lesley Endurance Fusion Coaching for being a part of Tri Equal and the #equallyinspiring team.

Soon to be time to head out to The Cyclery to get an adjustment on my cleats and aero bars.

If you want to follow some great TRI related blogs head on over to my wonderful friends.

Some Radom Thursday  by Kelly Burns Gallagher and Ryan Heisler

Rachel Brenke for all types of legal services for small businesses in and out of the athletic arena. And she is heading to Worlds!!

 

 

This has been a busy and exciting week

This past week has been a very busy one. Trying to get my school work done, from trying to figure out a Fishbone diagram and a PICK chart for my nursing class to having a DXA scan, RMR and VO2 test at school.

The testing at school was a new experience to me and I am still trying to figure out the numbers and what they really mean to my athletic status and what I need to do to improve.

 

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My VO2 was 28.5 and for my age of 48 was right in between fair and good. Will need to work on it, also if we had done the other slower test we may have gotten different results. That is partly my fault that I didn’t tell them that my average mile run is between 12 and 14 minutes.

It was a fun 2 hours and learning about what I can do. The VO2 test didn’t last very long as the speed went up fast and I couldn’t handle it at 6mph on the treadmill.

Should have done the other slower build test. Will do that the next time. This was the first time ever doing this type of testing. I was very lucky that I am a student and was able to get the test package at half price.

On January 27, 2018 I heard the news that I had been waiting for…..

 

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I am so excited to be working with Coach Lesley Kruzel and I can’t wait to get started.

EATING

I have been having issues in this area. It will always be an issue for me no matter what size I am. I have to get it under control.

Trying to find a weight loss support group in my area is very hard. The closest ones are in St. Louis and over an hour away.  I will get through this and be better for it.

I will be writing more about my training and life in general. Going to make it a weekly project and put it on my calendar to remind myself to do it. I am finishing up my BSN and will be graduating on May 4, 2018. Hoping to hear if I have gotten into the MSN program the first week on March for the fall. Then I will have the whole summer off for training, local races and spending time with my son and friends.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tri Equal

I had the wonderful opportunity in 2015 to be apart of the first group of women athletes to be selected. I got hurt and had to back away from the training and the coaching that I was getting from Krista LaPan.   I then had my weight loss surgery in July 2015.  I have been slowly working my way back in to training and did really well in 2016.

Fast forward to December 2017 and my wonderful friend Jordan Blanco posted about the opening for applications for the new season with Tri Equal. With Jordan’s encouragement, I put in my application once again. Not really thinking that I would be picked.  But guess what…… I GOT PICKED!!!!

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I continue my support each day that I wear my @RoadID with my tag #5Q.

This is 2018 and we as women still don’t have equality in so many things. This has to change and I hope that it does in my life time.

 

My view on why we need 50 women at Kona

Over the last several months there has been the “Thing” going on in the wonderful world of Triathlons, but mostly in the world of Ironman racing. I found recently that things are not all as they appear to be when it comes to equality in our sport. Yes, I am saying OUR sport. I am new to the sport but I am part of this group of wonderful athletes.
I will never make it to Kona for the world championships, even though I have been told never say never. I am a single, 45 year old, over weight mom trying to make a better life for not only myself but for my son. I know what it feels like to be excluded, to not be treated as an equal and multiple other issues that a person has to deal with growing up the fat girl. But I am not here to talk about me. I am here to talk about why I think it is important to have 50 professional women on the starting line at the World Championships in Kona.
In today’s world we are slowly changing the way we look at not only ourselves but those around us. There continues to be a very large stigma about what a girl can and can’t do. History over the years have shown us otherwise. We, as women can do anything that we set our minds to, from being a professional athlete to a stay at home mom. We do not deserve to be ridiculed about our decisions that we make about how we live our lives. The women who are active professional triathletes are just as or more important today than any other time in history. They are showing us that you can be a girl and do so many different things with your life. They are being the role models that I wished I had growing up. I may have been more active growing up if I had a Jodie Swallow, Beth Gerdes, DeDe Gtiesbauer, Mirinda Carfrae, Chrissie Wellington, Meredith Kessler, Mary Beth Ellis, Rachael Joyce, Sara Gross, Hilary Biscay and Caroline Steffen to name a few to look up to and try to be. We even now have newer role models that are showing girls that at any shape and size can do our sport: Meredith Atwood, Leslie Battle, Krista Henderson and Leah Gilbert.
This all leads up to WHY it is so important to fight this fight now. We are setting an example to girls everywhere that we will not sit and let an injustice pass us by. There are many that will say that the girls can never complete like the boys. Well of course we can’t we are completely different. BUT we are just as good as or better than the boys. This should be celebrated and not shunned. WTC and its Ironman brand have the opportunity to do just that, celebrate women.
They started a group called Women for Tri. Many wonderful, experienced, strong women were invited to be on the first board. The goal of the board is to find a way to grow the sport and have more women participate. This is the growth that they are wanting, but will not happen until they open up the spaces and make qualifying points just as equal. We have women and men of all shapes, sizes and athletic ability join our sport; hey look at me, but we have to make it equal for all. It will take time but it can happen. Just need to take that first bite out of the elephant, the bite for 50 women to Kona.

For more information on this subject go to: http://www.triequal.com

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